O Lord, you have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from far away.
You search out my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways.
Even before a word is on my tongue, O Lord, you know it completely.
—Psalm 139:1—4
If you have ever had surgery, a baby, or been to the gynecologist you have likely had the experience of having the physician walk into the room where you a sitting, wrapped in a flimsy hospital gown wishing you were a bit more covered up. Perhaps an instinctive modesty raises some color to your cheeks and you grab for a sheet, or swing your hands behind you to check to see how much is exposed. But then, it occurs to you how absurd this line of thinking is. The physician has already seen–even handled–parts of your body you have never seen yourself and so you tell yourself to let go. Let go, it’s the doctor, not a boyfriend or neighbor or parishioner or friend. Let go, it’s the doctor and it is her job to see those parts of you that make you cringe. Let go, it’s the doctor, who doesn’t really see the whole of you, only the parts he is treating!
But there is another doctor in our lives, the one who does see the whole of us, the one who knows everything about us, the one who understands even the things about which we are still not aware, the one who loves all of us so much that She won’t allow us to stay as we are! This is the God the Psalmist loves in Psalm 139, the God who knows our innermost parts and knit us in our mother’s womb. This is the God who knows what we want to say before the idea formulates in our mind and who follows us all the way to hell if that is where we are headed-just so He can pull us out of our self-will run riot and turn our hearts to love. This is the God of Grace to whom we confess each time we pray ‘help’.
But it is also the God of disarming connection and penultimate intimacy, Not only does God observe the outward aspects of our lives. God knows us through and through, even to our “inward parts.” The Hebrew word the NRSV translates as “inward parts” — kilyah — literally means “kidneys.” The ancients understood this organ to be the seat of reason and emotions, even mind or conscience. God knows us. Deeply. More deeply than we are inclined to admit, in those self-righteous seasons when we imagine we can flee divine grace.
Like a mother, God knows us for we were formed in God’s womb. Surely you have heard a mother say, “ Oh for goodness sake, I changed your diapers!” or “Don’t tell me I don’t understand you! I knew you before you were born, when I felt you kick and turn within me.” It’s hard to trump such maternal logic. But, as one theologian observed, God does mom one better. God knew us even before we were—before the quickening, when mother was barely aware of our existence, if she knew us at all. Never have we known an hour when we were separated from God.
Beloved, may that kind of knowing, may that kind of grace, may that kind of love hold you so that God’s work in you become manifest. It can be a challenging ride to become what God has called you to be, to find the whole you that you are to discover—but don’t worry too much for God already knows.
With blessing and prayer,
Rev. Wendy Miller Olapade (revwdmiller@comcast.net)
